My Thoughts Dec. 6, 2019

Photo taken by Ashton Lutz

Folks can say they understand, but how can they really, it’s the retraining of the brain. Moments of reality where it speaks back to you, Mama said “actions speak louder than words” and that is ever so true.

We’ve had some SUPER large adjustments where things needed to be tweaked. What worked for so many families wreaked havoc on our own. We tried the fast pace life and were all completely thrown.

We are told that superfoods give us natural energy and I can attest, it’s true. But, ‘everything in moderation’ has always been a good motto too. Rach is like a superfood in the energy she embodies. Try to keep her contained and she still comes unglued.

Helping her understand still very simple concepts seems to be beyond her reach. “Mom, you don’t need to paint anymore, you have enough paintings for SVA.” “Rach, you’re not in charge of me, I paint to find peace and feel free.” Such a deep concept and so abstract in trying to understand, the most connected to God I feel is when I ‘slip away’ with a paintbrush in my hand. It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, it’s creative energy, where I simply let my paintbrush flow and see what God puts there before me.

Photo taken by Ashton Lutz

Guilt gets us nowhere, certainly not moving forward. Yet, it easily creeps in when my thoughts begin to wonder. I turn things back to God as quickly as I can. I’ve had more tears lately as the “weight of ‘Autism and Adulthood'” has hit us all FIRSTHAND.

I’ve asked God to guide us and trust that we may finally be in the right hands to help Rach move forward with help and guidance along the way, that’s our new plan. I believe several ‘groups’ are now on the same page. Rachael’s case ‘fell between the cracks.’ It is what it is and now there is NO looking back. We must keep moving forward, surrendering all the while. God will continue to use us and in my SOUL I know He’ll keep letting Rachael’s “HEART shine and GLOW.”

There is no handbook, this is true. There are no guidelines like “College Requirements” give you. It’s been a fight for her right to start tiny and ever so small. We CAN’T ALL GO FROM A TO Z and achieve it all. There is nothing wrong with baby steps, achieving little successes along the way.

As the tears flowed down my face yesterday, the reality hitting me head on… my (our) beautiful niece is getting married but her parents are both gone. She’s radiating JOY and happiness, oh, I hope that they know. To see her in her wedding dress melted my heart so. She was a little girl, just the other day. My sister-in-law, Sara, used to share with me she hoped that her daughter (my niece) could find someone special to love her the way Sara (she) was loved by my brother Fred. Wow, how time has flown as Ashton sat next to me and beamed as her cousin GLOWED. She smiled at Meredith and me. She looked at me and saw my tears and gave me a big hug. The LESSON GOD always brings me back to is that we all need love. It comes in different forms and fashions, this is TRUE, but ultimately, love is what is special through and through.

I’m praying Rachael’s future can be bright and FULL OF LOVE. We hope that the people around her can one day accept and embrace that she was created from above. More than any of you will ever know, from a mother’s heart, we deeply thank you and appreciate those of you who have shared a smile, a walk, allowed her a moment of your time. We are so thankful for each of these “little” gifts that you’ve shared with her, for ultimately they ALL SPELL OUT LOVE.

I do not have any answers. I have zero ideas what the future holds. I know that every time we’ve surrendered, God has guided us from above.

We don’t go out very often. We seldom hang out with our friends. We still love all of them, but this has required much more energy than Richard and I ever realized. In moments where Rach is out with other amazing families who love her deeply, we appreciate the quiet time that is a gift into and unto itself.

There are so many families who fall apart through the pressures these young adults experience. I’ve begged God along the way to guide us and protect us and I know Richard has too. There is a helplessness that takes over, it’ll do no one any good. We can accept these feelings, recognize them, but then we must move on. Being stuck in a RUT, reacting to everything, is NO good for anyone and not setting the example for each of our children to understand: Life is full of mysteries and we must TRUST God’s plan.

Photo taken by Ashton Lutz

“Actions speak louder than words,” I hear my Mama everyday in my head. But we also must rest, renew, rejuvenate for what God has in store for us ahead. And so, once more, I’m lead back to prayer. In meditation, prayer and painting, God refreshes my SOUL there. We must breathe deeply to receive. Everything comes in seasons and chapters do close. New ones open and there is HOPE.

Our grand baby melts my heart and Richard’s, every time she smiles. She is a ray of sunshine, a new life God has graced from above. She was created out of pure love. And so, we must focus on the blessings that we have. We’ll continue to ask God to blanket us in His Love. I control no one but myself, it’s been the biggest and hardest lesson I’ve had to ever learn. As I pray for all of us, I’ll continue to pray for health, well-being, GRACE and mercy from above for all families as well, all need the gift of unconditional LOVE.

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